


I Wonder

by BlodkruWrites



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Family, Feels, Gen, Harper and Monty are great parents, Minor Angst, Not Canon Compliant, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2019-10-02 07:48:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17260370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlodkruWrites/pseuds/BlodkruWrites
Summary: Madi has always known she was adopted. There were no secrets about it her entire life. It was just a fact of life.It's Madi's eighteenth birthday and she's given a gift she never expected. Now, she knows who her birth mother is and it's a hard blow. With so many questions and no answers, Madi feels like everything she's known has been a lie or kept from her.How will she deal with the five DVDs her birth mother made for her just months before she was born?





	1. January 31st

On your eighteenth birthday, most people are excited to be legal adults finally.

For Madeline Louwoda Green, it was just another day. Her birthday had been something she wasn’t all too excited about. Mainly to do with school and the stress for her to be admitted to a University. Sure, she knew other kids had to deal with the same problems. But Madi really didn’t like facing them. It was why she opted to go home during her free period instead of studying. Her study hall was her last class of the day and it was Friday. And her birthday. She could skip just this once, right? She had texted her mother- Harper- to let her know. The conversation was short with her mom telling her to not make a habit of it. Harper also mentioned a gift would be sitting on her bed for her when she did get home. The mention of a gift made Madi just the slightest bit excited.

However, Madi decided her mom didn’t need to know about the other times she had skipped study period that year. And in Junior year. And Sophomore. And Freshman. Probably best she didn’t know. Since she was leaving school early, Madi made it home before either of her parents. Her mom was a correctional officer and wasn’t home until five or six usually. Her dad- Monty- taught Agriculture at the University of Polis. Where she’d likely end up going to University if she didn’t get into her top picks. It was a thought she had as she arrived home. She unlocked the front door and shut it tight behind her. The thought to maybe clean up around the house for her parents crossed her mind. The house was near pristine almost always, but she did leave a little mess that morning when she was running late. She realized it was a little worse than she thought when she saw her clothes tossed around her room and the bathroom.

By the time she had finished cleaning up her clothes and made a small snack, Madi had all but forgotten about the present her mom mentioned. It wasn’t until said woman came home early did she think about it.

“How was school?” Her mom asked as they both prepped dinner. Harper had always made it clear that dinner was family time. Though weird to her, Madi had appreciated the time. 

Madi had shrugged and tossed a grape into her mouth. “I met with Mr. Kane at lunch. He said I should be able to get into Arkadia Arts if I finish my portfolio by next week.” Mr. Kane was her school advisor. He had been working close with Madi to get her into the school she desperately wanted. Ever since Madi could figure out how to work a computer, she had been designing. First with the Paint app. Then she moved onto photoshop by the time she was seven. There were numerous programs she knew and loved to use. She’d even helped her classmates with photo editing when they were absolutely lost on it. Digital art was something she just understood and could always work on. Arkadia Arts was the place she had her heart set on ever since she went on a tour of the campus her freshmen year. Anything else was just not worth it to her. 

Harper nodded at her daughter. “Good. Did you finish your application for UoP?” Madi inwardly groaned.

“Mom,” She tried not to whine, “I don’t even need to apply. If I don’t get into AA then we both know I’m going there. Dad works there, tuition is basically free.”

“I know, I know. But it’s an option.”

“An option I don’t even need to consider.” Madi sighed. For Madi, it was either get into Arkadia Art Institute or nothing. She had been thinking about it ever since someone mentioned college to her in sixth grade. Sure, she did have a fall back. Her friend Shawna Diyoza wouldn’t let her live it down. The other girl had to go to community college before even considering a university. Madi had felt bad about it, even tried to get her dad’s help. Sadly, nothing could be done. If she could, Madi would have given her tuition as a staff members family to Shawna. Things weren't ever that easy. 

“Why don’t you go open the gift I left for you then we can talk about universities, huh?” Harper turned to Madi and patted her arm. “Dinner is gonna be a bit while in the oven. I need to make a phone call then we can talk.” There was a look in Harper’s eyes Madi hadn’t seen before. She wanted to worry but shrugged it off. “It’s your eighteenth birthday. Shouldn’t you be celebrating with friends anyways?”

Madi rolled her eyes. “Mom my only actual friend is Shawna and we both know she’s visiting her dad in Eligius right now.” Harper made a surrender gesture. “Yeah, we can talk later.” She turned to leave the kitchen. She was about to round the corner when Harper’s voice stopped her.

“I love you, Madi. Your dad and I both love you very much.”

Madi looked back and smiled. “I love you too. Both of you.” The look in her mom’s eyes still made her uneasy. She decided they could talk about it after dinner.

When she entered her room, she saw the gift. Well gifts. How she hadn’t seen it when she got home earlier, she didn’t know. The first was a blanket. Her mom didn’t see the point in wrapping it. It was a beautiful maroon color, soft, and knitted. She didn’t even have to guess to know it was from her grandma, her dad’s mom. Hannah Green made sure Madi was spoiled even with the smallest things. Madi unfolded and laid out the blanket on her bed. When she set it down, she noticed the other gift.

It was a red box. Nothing significant about it. The only thing that made it look at all abnormal was her name scrawled across it. _Madeline_. Madi had told her parents when she was six, she didn’t want to be called that anymore. The kids in her class said her name was too long and too old. She wanted to be just Madi. They had talked about it and agreed she would be called Madi, with an I at the end instead of a Y. Since then, she’d only ever seen or heard her full name during the first day of school when attendance was called. She was Madi to everyone who knew her. Another thing she noticed was the handwriting. Madi knew both of her parents handwriting anywhere. Her mom’s tight loops of every letter. Her dad’s chicken scratch when he was rushed, like always. This handwriting was smaller. Tighter and less neat than Harper’s but more legible than Monty. Madi picked the box up and sat at her desk to open it.

Inside, was a case.

A simple neon pink case with a single disc inside. She picked it up, ignoring the orange one just under it. She flipped it over in her hands before opening it. It was a DVD. Madi couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched one. Nothing was written on it. She turned towards her desk and opened up her laptop. As she waited for it to power on, she tried to think of that the hell this gift was. She tried not to think too in depth with it. If anything, it was probably about UoP. Her dad would do something like that. Make an entire dorky video around the campus showing her why she should go there. Or, more likely, it was probably home videos. Her mom had been big into making them when she was little. The laptop came to life and she popped open the disc reader. The DVD took almost no time loading. She waited and pressed the play button on the keyboard. The video was fuzzy for a few seconds. Madi could hear the sound of someone breathing before the picture came in. When it did, she was met with an unfamiliar face.

“Hi.”

Madi paused the video immediately. Her ears seemed to ring from the one word. She kept her finger hovering over the play button as she tried to focus.

That voice.

That voice sounded so familiar it was almost startling. Madi watched as the camera focused and the person in the video became clear. It was a girl. A girl dressed in a blue t-shirt with a faded logo. She sat in an office chair in what looked like a very plain room. Madi noticed the room didn’t look much different than the one she was in; both rooms walls were white and bare except for one or two pictures up; a bed right behind the girl. The girl seemed to be fidgeting with the camera for a full minute before turning away for a second. Madi watched intently as the girl got up from her chair and paced the room. What was she doing? The girl looked so scared and nervous before sitting back down. Something about her looked so familiar. The way she fidgeted and bit at her bottom lip. How she tucked her hair behind her ear before speaking.

“Hi.” The girl on screen couldn’t be older than early twenties- if that. Her face looked pale, her mouth in a hard line, and her gem blue eyes were wet as she considered the camera. She took a deep breath. “My name is Clarke Griffin. I just turned twenty years old like, three days ago.” She looked off camera for a moment before focusing again. Her hand came up and tugged gently on a strand on her blonde hair. Madi noted the faded-out pink in parts of her hair.

Through her breathing and uneasiness, it was clear Clarke didn’t know what to do. Or say. On the screen, the blonde took a deep breath before continuing. “I’m technically an only child. Technically the oldest of three. I have two adopted sisters. Emori just turned sixteen and Raven is almost nineteen. Though she likes to think she’s the oldest.” Clarke scoffed lightly. “My mother’s name is Abigail- Abby- and Dad’s name is Jake. Jacob. Jake.” Her rambling stopped. She bit her lip, looked down, ran a hand over her face, and looked directly into the camera. “If you’re watching this by some miracle,” her voice was tight, “then everyone I just mentioned is your aunts, grandmother, and grandfather. And I’m your mother.” Her hand clenched in her hair. “Your biological mother, anyways.” She rocked back and forth in her chair.

Madi paused the video immediately. The girl froze on screen with the action and she just stared. Her parents were playing some joke on her. They had to be. A messed up one sure, but a joke. Madi had known since she was in second grade she was adopted. Her parents told her when she’d asked why she didn’t have her mom’s hazel eyes or her dad’s Asian features.

Harper and Monty had been gentle about it; talking about how some families are different than the traditional one. They made it clear they loved her more than anything else in the world and her being adopted wouldn’t change that. She hadn’t understood much of it at seven but as she got older, she did. It made sense when her teachers went over genetics in middle school, so she let it go and accepted that instead of her parents having sex to get her, they went another route. Sure, she’d been a little upset about it. Who wouldn’t be? Madi had so many questions when she was younger: who her birth parents were, why was she put for adoption, did her parents know her bio ones. But she never asked them. Maybe once she had asked about her birth mother. She’d asked her mom if she knew who her birth mother was; her mom had said yes. But once she saw the heartbroken expression on Harper’s face, she didn’t bother asking anything else. Madi knew it would bring up so many problems and emotions if she asked everything. But now...

Her parents had given her the DVD for a reason, obviously. Madi hoped it was a joke for her eighteenth birthday and they would laugh about it later. But, as she stared at the image of the girl on her screen, she couldn’t help but be curious. Maybe she’d watch the video all the way through then go to her parents. They’d laugh about it. She was sure. This ‘Clarke Griffin’ girl was probably a friend of theirs or something. Almost like it was painful, Madi pressed the space bar on the keyboard and let the video play.

The girl came back to life on screen.

“I don’t know if your parents told you about all of this.” Clarke waved her hand around broadly. “About the adoption or about me. If they didn’t, well that was their choice, I guess. It’s not really mine to make since I’m the one giving you up here.” She stopped for a second. “I didn’t mean it like that.” Clarke’s hands came out in front of her like she was surrendering or something. Madi couldn’t help but look at the paint that stained them. “I’m not giving you up. I just can’t take care of you. I’m barely taking care of myself right now, how can I take care of a kid too?” She leaned against the desk she was at and put her head in her hands. She stayed like that for a full thirty seconds before sighing and sitting back in her chair. “If they did tell you then…I’m glad. You might not be. You’re probably furious with me, so me being glad doesn’t really matter. Don’t be mad at your parents. I haven’t met them as of right now. I just barely talked to the adoption agency and the woman who’s going to be the case worker yesterday.”

The girl- Clarke- pulled her legs up to her chest and leaned back more in her chair. “She’s nice at least. Her name is Becca and she has a really nice smile. Charming.” She looked to her right and seemed to space out for a second. Her eyes snapped back the camera and seemed to bore into it. “She’s so sure she’ll find perfect parents for you. I hope so. I hope they’ve treated you like a prince or princess. I don't know if you're a boy or girl yet. I don't know if I want to. I don't know a lot of things right now, really." She stared off camera as she spoke. "It doesn't matter to me which you are, as long as you're healthy and take an easy on my bladder. Which you haven't been doing by the way. I'm surprised I haven't had to pee like five times by now." She smiled softly. "Sorry that's gross but you're currently residing _in_ me, so it shouldn't matter. God, I hope your parents are better than me. Less cheesy and appropriate. And that they've spoiled you rotten. How great would that be?"

Madi paused it again. Maybe this wasn’t a joke. The way the girl was acting seemed too real and the way her voice gave over everything she was feeling. Madi recognized the voice after listening; it was hers. Not her own exactly but it sounded like her; the girl spoke in only a slightly higher pitch. The tone and the way the girl sighed, though. How she seemed wistful as she didn’t pay the camera any attention. Madi couldn’t help but notice slightly similarities between the two of them too. Their skin tone was the same, not too important. How they both spoke with their hands and couldn’t stay still. Madi had been fidgeting as she watched. They're cheekbones were incredibly similar and if Madi squinted, they had the same nose. Or close enough. The most noticeable was the freckles that seemed to decorate their skin. Just smacked over their noses and cheeks.

She didn’t know what to say or think. Her parents had done this for a reason. Maybe this was some sort of present, if this was for real. Obviously, it was. Monty had said they had been waiting a while to give this to her. Maybe even eighteen years. If this Clarke Griffin was her birth mother, did she want to keep watching? The thought echoed in her head as she looked back to the video. Clarke was frozen in her chair looked off to the side, her mouth was open mid-sentence and hands up ready to move. Though it had stung hearing the girl say, “giving up”, it didn’t feel like how she thought it would. Maybe she could keep watching. Madi pressed play again.

“If they haven’t then shame on them because you deserve everything.” Clarke’s eyes closed. “Everything I can’t give you.” She opened them again. “I don’t know why I’m making this video. I don’t even know if I’ll give it to your parents or if they’ll even let you see them. For all I know this is sitting in a dumpster somewhere eighteen plus years from now. Wouldn’t that be poetic justice?” She set her feet back down and rubbed at the back of her neck. “If you are watching though,” her hand moved hesitantly to her stomach, “I’m about nineteen weeks, or almost five months pregnant with you. It’s so weird to think about. I never thought I would have kids and yet here I am. But I guess _I_ won’t be having you.” She sat up straight again and looked into the camera. “If I get myself together, there should be more videos. I don’t know how many but there should be more. Your mom and dad should have them. If they don’t, then I’m sorry and I’m sorry this is the only thing you’ll have of me. I gave you my full name and family's names if you ever want to look me up. I highly doubt I'll have changed my name or anything by the time you see this."

She bit her bottom lip and Madi noticed Clarke had been scratching at her inner wrist. "I don’t really know how to answer any questions you might have. All I can say is,” She took a deep breath, “don’t think for a second, I didn’t want you. Maybe at first, I was scared and couldn’t even process being pregnant much less actually going to give birth. Yes, I cursed at and screamed at your father.” She visibly flinched. “But that doesn’t mean I didn’t want you. God, I want you so much this is going to be the hardest thing I can do.” Her eyes watered, and Emelia wiped at her eyes. “But I’m no good for you. I can’t take care of you and give you the love and support you need. I made a mistake and you’re not going to pay for it.” Then the screen went blank.

“What?” Madi stood up abruptly as the video ended. That couldn’t be it. She stared at the blank screen in disbelief. That couldn't be it. She moved the mouse to her computer and saw it was indeed the end. The video was only five minutes and twenty-three seconds long. Madi tried to see if there were any more videos on the DVD, but it was just the one. Before, she hadn't thought about watching the others, if there were any, but after that abrupt end she felt like she needed to. Clarke had mentioned her father, whatever they had was a mistake, and how could she not need to know more? Madi ejected the DVD from her laptop and put it back in its case before storming out of her room. Her mom should be in her study right now as it was after four; her parents were almost always on a schedule no matter the day.

Madi made her way through the house and stopped at her mom's office. The door was slightly ajar, but she couldn't hear anything. She pushed the door open and saw Harper standing in the middle of the room on her phone. Madi stood there, gnawing at the inside of her cheek. Her mom had her back to her, so she waited. Whatever the call was about seemed important at how enthusiastic her mom was speaking. When she finally turned around and noticed Madi, she held up the disk in its case to her mom. She visibly saw Harper’s expression change and listened as she cut off whoever was on the other end and hung up; this wasn't a joke. Neither said anything for seconds before Madi cleared her throat. "How," her hand shook as she held the case out, "how many are there?"

Her mother stared at her. She seemed incredibly hesitant to answer. "Five." Her voice was strained and much higher than normal. Madi stared at her. Five. There were five videos of this woman. "There were originally four," her mother cleared her throat, "but she emailed a video when you were four or five, I think." She swallowed hard before continuing. "We-your father and I- put it onto a blank DVD, so it'll be part of the set." Clarke had sent one after she was born, long after. So, her parents had contact with her birth mother this whole time and hadn't said anything about it.

"I want them." She wasn't going to take no for an answer. "I-I need to see what she says. What Clarke says." It sounded like she was convincing herself for than her mom. She didn’t miss Harper’s flinch at the other woman’s name. "Please. Mom, please. I won't bug about them, but I just need to watch the rest. I'm not going to look her up or run away to find her. I promise." The woman in front of her seemed reluctant. She could see the visible worry on Harper’s face and knew she was contemplating everything that this would bring up. "Please, mom."

Madi kept her gaze steady and pleaded with her eyes. "Okay." Her eyes widened. She hadn't expected her mom to give in. "I'll give you the rest but one at a time." Madi let her hand fall. "Not because I'm trying to be mean or anything. It's how she-," she cleared her throat, "how Clarke asked us to." It was more than clear by how she said the name; her mom wasn't overly happy about this or about anything to do with Clarke. "The second one is in the box we gave you. It was supposed to be a surprise, but I guess you didn't open it." That's all Madi needed. She turned and was about to walk out the door.

She stopped and turned to her mother. She quickly hugged her. "Thank you. And tell grandma I love the blanket!" Then Madi was out of the room. She made her way back to her room and found the box. It was under her pillow on the floor from where she must've accidentally tossed it. She grabbed the small box and opened it. Sure enough, there it was in another neon colored case like the first. She hesitated. Maybe this wasn't a clever idea. She didn't really have any reason to watch them. She knew who her birth mother was; Clarke had given her full name and the names of her parents and sisters. Madi could look her up instead of watching the videos. The thought left her mind as she snatched the DVD and walked back to her desk. But she just promised she wouldn't.

She put the DVD in the player set and waited for it to load. She was met with the same loading screen as before it went black. The sound filtered through before the video came into focus.

"I hope this works better than last time."


	2. February 26th

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Madi moves onto the second video. A friend encourages her to find out everything.

Madi felt like the air leave her when she heard Clarke’s voice. The girl came into focus and it looked like some time had passed. Her hair was faded even more from the pink and her face- and stomach- were fuller. She wore another blue shirt; faded like her hair. Everything behind her was the same except the bed; it was messy and hadn't been made. By the tired look in her eyes, Clarke must have just woken up. Madi could only assume this was her bedroom. The camera looked like it had been angled differently; she could see Clarke’s stomach from this angle.

She was clearly pregnant now.

"Last time it took me an hour to set all this up, even then the beginning was just me fixing it. Hope that wasn't a disappointment." Clarke paused, rolled her eyes, then looked into the camera. "If you're watching this, I know you have more than a million questions for me. I have the answer to ten, maybe." She ran a hand through her hair. "I'm really glad you are watching though and hopefully I can help with answers. I told my parents about this, well I told Raven and she told them for me. I don't live with them, I asked her to tell them, so they could think it over." Clarke's facial expression visibly changed. "Mom isn't happy about it. About any of this really. When I told her I was pregnant, god.” She covered her face and took a deep breath. "She told me I better figure out what I'm doing about raising a child and finishing my degree. I guess to her the thought of any other option didn't exist. I can't even begin to explain how angry she was when I told her about going with adoption. I still don't think she's calmed about it." Clarke fidgeted with a paper that was on the desk and sighed. "Dad agrees with me, adoption is the best option. I guess he understands better than mom does and even met Becca with me the first time. Dad likes her but is nervous about the parents she's looking at. Apparently, nothing is good enough for...for his grandkid."

Clarke flinched and closed her eyes for a moment. "Becca asked what kind of adoption was I thinking. Whether it would be a straightforward closed adoption, or would I want updates about you-an open adoption. I'm about six months pregnant right now. A decision needs to be made soon I guess." There was a hint of a tiny smile on Clarke’s lips. "Obviously I don't want to just send you off with some random people. I wouldn't be making these then. I want to know how your life is. What kind of person would I be if I just didn't want anything to do with you? Mom says I'm being stupid and selfish if I choose an open adoption. I'm not going to be your mother, so I shouldn't get to know." Her eyes were looking down and she swallowed hard.

Madi paused the video. Clarke's parents knew everything. What were their names? She had just watched the first video and tried to remember what they were. Abby, that was her mother. Clarke’s father's name escaped her. She would have to re-watch the first video. It stung a little finding out Clarke’s mother wasn’t happy about the adoption. She herself had adopted two girls, why was this any different for Clarke? Madi thought about Clarke’s sisters. Raven and Emori. Clarke grew up an only child for the most part. Alone. In that way, Madi mussed, they were also similar.

Madi resumed watching.

"I guess in this one I'll talk about family. Well, the weird one I have. Hopefully that will answer some questions you have." Clarke sighed and scratched at her arm. Madi noticed this seemed to be a reoccurring thing for her. "My mother’s name is Abby and my dad is Jake Griffin. I think I said that in the last video but yeah. They were married long before I was born. Maybe not too long. But from what they told me, they did plan to have me. Guess I missed the thinking ahead gene.” She sat back in the chair and loosely crossed her arms over her chest. “Everyone says I look like my dad. Which is fair. Mom has brown hair and eyes. Dad is the blonde one with blue eyes.” Clarke gestured to her own face. “Guess I’m all him in looks.”

Madi couldn’t help but think about her own genetics. She had noticed Clarke and she had different eyes and hair. Maybe it was a recessive thing. Maybe she looked like her dad, like Clarke did. Her attention went back to the screen.

“Raven is the middle child. Mom and Dad adopted her when she was thirteen. She had been living in a group home since she was eight. She came into the hospital one day when she broke her arm and well…” Clarke shrugged. “Mom’s a sucker for a kid in need of help. I guess that’s why she became a doctor in the first place. I am glad Raven is in my life though. She’s the best sister I think anyone can have given our situation.” So, Clarke’s mother was a doctor. Madi scrambled for a notebook on the floor and a pen. Something in her told her to write things down. Keep track. A record.

“Raven was just as surprised as I was when I found out I was pregnant. She didn't believe me until I had my first ultrasound." The edges of Clarke’s quirked up in a smile. "She said she didn't believe me and it was a bad joke. I told her through text," she smiled fully and rolled her eyes, "and her response was ' _you remember there needs to be a guy for that to happen'_. I’ve been so focused on school and work. To her it seemed impossible for me to have a social life. She went to the first appointment with me and she looked so surprise it was funny. I don't think she processed it until I asked her to tell mom and dad. She was pissed at first, especially when I told her _who_ was the father, but she got over it. I told Emori a day later when I picked her up from school." The smile dropped a little.

It wasn't lost on Madi how Clarke always brushed over the topic of who her father was. Part of her wanted to ask her mom; surely, she or Monty would know. But maybe Clarke would talk about it in another video. Or there was a reason she never said who.

Clarke shook her head in the video before continuing. "Emori didn't believe me either, but I think it registered quicker for her. She seemed like she was happy but now," She shrugged, "she avoids talking about it. About you. Everyone else expressed some opinion on the adoption or what else I could do. Except her. It kind of hurts though." She scratched at her wrist. "For some reason, if Emori had said I shouldn't go through with an adoption- if she _and_ Raven said it- I think I would keep you. But she didn't. She said for me to do whatever I wanted, which didn't help. I didn't know what I wanted then. I still don't."

There was a sadness in Clarke’s eyes. A deep one, Madi couldn’t even try to understand.

“Emori came to live with us after Raven. Mom and Dad became foster parents right after the adoption. They had the room and Raven was enough to persuade them to do it. Almost right after Raven was adopted, there was another girl needing a home.” Clarke smiled sadly. “She and I didn’t get along at first. She has a,” Clarke gestured as she tried to find the right word, “a birth defect, I guess. Though I wouldn’t call it a defect. Just part of her. Because of it she kept away from people. She had been in foster homes her entire life.” Clarke sighed and rested her head in her hand. “I couldn’t even begin to imagine the things she’d seen. The only reason we got along was because of my paintings. She wanted me to paint her brother. I did and she cried when it was finished. I didn’t ask her what happened to him. She didn’t tell me. But something changed in her and she no longer fought about anything. I nearly begged my parents to adopt her.”

Madi paused the video again as she wrote. She noticed there was still a decent amount of time left and bit her cheek. Two things stood out to her; Clarke hadn't been interested in dating. Well, at least that's what she implied. She was clearly centered on whatever she studied and did for work. Maybe that's why she had said the pregnancy was from a mistake. The second thing was how fondly Clarke spoke about her sisters. She loved them. That was more than clear. Their opinion's mattered immensely to her; Clarke might have kept Madi if they had said she should. A gnawing feeling grew in her; Madi wanted to look these people up. Maybe she could? She had said she wouldn't look for Clarke- at least for now. She hadn't promised anything about other family members. And if she came across a photo of Clarke? She could blame it on an accident. She pressed resume before she could question further.

"Raven thinks it's a clever idea I'm making these videos. I told her I thought about writing letters, but I've never been good at writing. I'm better at rambling as you can tell." Clarke stopped for a moment. Her hand briefly pressed against her stomach; the expression she gave confused Madi. "You're currently pressing against my ribcage. I think your feet are trying to kick a rib in half." She took a deep breath. Ten seconds passed before she spoke again. "Emori's mad about it. I don't think she's upset like mom is- mom thinks I'm throwing you away. When she first said- well yelled," Clarke’s face hardened as she clenched her teeth, "When she first yelled at me about it, I nearly broke down. She knows I'm in no position to take care of anyone but told me it was my fault. Yeah, my fault," She ran a hand through her hair, "like I was the only one involved in making you. I told her it wasn't her decision and if she had a problem with my decision she could fuck off." She paused and looked directly at the camera. "Sorry, I don't know if you curse or not. And honestly, I probably shouldn’t have told her that. Anyways, Emori just seems.... disappointed? She looks at me like I disappointed her. Like I messed up something or how she thought of me. I tried talking to her, but she won't say anything. I guess I deserve that." Clarke tapped on the desk lightly as she bit her lip. Madi could only assume she was thinking.

She paused the video. The video had only been playing for less than ten minutes; so much had been said. There was so much of the video left.

Clarke two sisters: Raven and Emori. Madi’s mind had already made itself up. She was going to look up these two. How many Raven and Emori Griffin’s could there be anyways? Surely, she'd find one of them and if not, then that was fine. She would be fine. Maybe. Clarke’s parents though…

She didn't think she could bring herself to look them up. Clearly, Abby Griffin wasn't going to be happy about her googling her. She seemed like a woman she would have many issues with. Though Abby might be the easiest to find, her being a doctor and all. Jake Griffin was another story. She didn’t know anything about the man. Only that he supported Clarke and her decision. She didn’t know how Raven or Emori would react either. Raven might not mind, hopefully. But Emori had been so upset with her sister. Disappointed even. Madi could only imagine how highly she must’ve thought of Clarke to be that upset with her. And over a pregnancy. Granted, it wasn't a planned one. Something didn't settle right with Madi about that. Maybe she could get answers from Emori, from everyone, if she did find them. But then again, they may not want to answer her.

She was about to press play when a blue screen popped up.

Madi panicked for a second before realizing it was someone trying to video call her. She answered it, annoyed.

“Why did it take so long for you to pick up?” Madi sighed as she saw the familiar face of her friend. Her one friend. Shawna Diyoza looked equally annoyed as Madi felt. “Well, birthday girl?”

“You are not going to believe the news I just got.”

Shawna made a small face as Madi rushed out her words. “Are you going to tell me what the news is?” Was she? Madi sat there for a moment, her friend looking at her with disinterest. Her mom hadn’t said if she could tell anyone, if she should. But Madi was eighteen and surely should be allowed to decide who she told private things to.

“I met my birth mom.” She said. Madi tried to think of how she was going to explain everything. She barely got the time to before Shawna was launching questions her way.

“You met her? What’s her name? What does she look like? _When_ did you meet her? How come you didn’t tell me right away?” Shawna looked like she probably had a million other questions but she couldn’t word them. Madi realized she should have said something other than she had met Clarke. Technically speaking, she didn’t meet her. But she knew her. Well, knew _of_ her.

Madi took a breath. “Her name is Clarke Griffin. We look nothing alike. I mean I think we have the same nose and cheeks but her hair is blonde and she has blue eyes. And I didn’t actually _meet_ her.” Madi went on to explain the DVDs as best as she could. Shawna continued asking questions Madi barely had the answers for. By the end of it, Shawna knew just as little as Madi.

“So, are you gonna look her up?” Shawna asked. The other was leaning against her desk. Madi sighed and shook her head. “Why not? She gave you the names of her family. Chances are you’ll find at least _one_ of them.”

“I told mom I wouldn’t.”

“You told your mom you wouldn’t look for your birth mother even though she has given you nearly everything you need.” Shawna was looking at her like she lost her mind.

Madi shrugged and leaned back in her chair. “You weren’t there, Shawna. You didn’t see the look mom had. I’m only on video two anyways.” She felt the smallest sinking feeling in her chest. “What if at the end of the fifth one Clarke says not to find her? She made that one when I was five or something. She could have changed her mind.” Madi tried not to focus on the rejected feeling she already had. “Five years is a long time. And it could be why mom wasn’t happy about the videos. Clarke could want nothing to do with me now.”

“Or,” Shawna said ever positive, “she wants you to find her. The last video could be her giving you more info. Maybe she got a career doing something and she wanted you to know so it would be easier.” They went back and forth for a while. Madi could only see the negative side of it all. Shawna tried to cheer her up with the many possibilities. In the end, Madi was still set on not looking up Clarke Griffin. Shawna had said she would do her own research if Madi didn’t soon. She loved her friend, but Madi wished she would take it the slightest bit more serious.

When they ended the call, Madi found herself hesitating the play the rest of the video. This was moving far too quick. She needed to think about this. Finding out about your birth parent is one thing. Knowing _who_ they are is another. Watching videos they made for you is completely crazy. She ejected the disc from her laptop without much thought. She needed to talk to her parents first.

She found them both huddled in the kitchen together. Madi stood in the hall entrance waiting for them to notice her. When they did, they broke apart like she caught them doing something.

“Happy birthday, Mads!” Her dad nearly knocked her over. Monty’s body was like a rock against Madi and she stumbled back a bit.

“Dad! You told me happy birthday this morning.” Still, he didn’t let up on the bone crushing hug.

“I can tell you happy birthday as many times as I want young lady.” He squeezes her one more time before letting up. “So how was your day? How was school? Did you finish your applications yet?” Madi tried to untangle herself from his arms. Something felt the slightest bit off. Sure, her dad had always been a bit hyper. But not to where she was worried.

“School was fine. Day was fine. No, I didn’t finish.” She pushed the hair from her face when he ruffled it. “Why are you so jumpy? Did Uncle Jasper spike your coffee again?” She looked at her mother for some answer. Harper just shrugged.

The night went on smoothly. There was no talk of the DVDs. Her parents gave her another gift- a touch screen stylus- that Madi almost fainted upon seeing. She had been asking for one the entire year. They ate cake, talked about their days and Arkadia Arts, and soon Madi found herself in bed. The night had been so nice and quiet. She tried to force herself to sleep. Even if the curiosity was eating away at her, she could deal with the videos and Clarke Griffin tomorrow.


	3. March 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a long time coming. I apologize for the delay, I've been dealing with a lot personal issues.   
> Enjoy/ suffer the angst with me.

It was almost another week before Madi watched the rest of the second video.

She was too occupied working on her portfolio to focus on anything else. She had created two original pieces in less than forty-eight hours for her admissions. Along with finally finishing her admissions essay. Deadlines were merciless. She was tired and was thankful for the coming weekend. Much needed rest was all she cared about when she lugged her way home. She didn’t even make it to her bed, slumping in her desk chair instead. She rested her head against the wood desk as she tried to calm her racing mind.

She had made the deadline for Arkadia Arts. Barely. Mr. Kane had just barely helped her scrape on by the day before the final admission day. Now, she just had to wait. Waiting was the worst part. It was thankfully the weekend though. She could spend the two short days sleeping. Or at least not stressing over deadlines which was a major improvement. Madi let her mind wander for a few moments; she could nap, or draw, or set up her stylus. The nap seemed to be winning out as she felt her eyes grow heavy and her body sag a little.

Doing anything else didn’t even cross her mind until her eyes landed on a familiar orange case. She had been thinking about the videos over the past week. She hadn’t even finished the second one. The itch to know more grew under her skin. She hauled herself up and started up her laptop; no time like the present. 

Honestly, Madi wasn’t sure why she was so calm about the videos. A normal person would probably be freaking out internally and externally. Maybe it was because she was getting some kind of answers. Maybe it was knowing there were more videos with who knows what else in them. At the very least, Madi was finding out about Clarke and her family. Though she wasn’t sure how happy they would be knowing Madi knew who they were. At least, knew  _ of _ them. She put the dvd in the player before her nerve left. 

Clarke picked up right where she had stopped. Madi sucked in a breath. The woman’s voice was becoming so familiar; it was unnerving.

“I hope Emori will come around. Her boyfriend gives me enough crap about the whole situation. He’s an ass but,” Clarke shrugged, “he loves Emori. Even if he is older and I want to castrate him on the daily.” Madi couldn’t help the small laugh that came out. “As long as he doesn’t hurt her, he gets to live. Not that Raven would let me hurt him. She and John are practically best friends who hate each other once in a while. But it’s better than her last-.” Clarke stopped immediately. She looked down at her hands and swallowed. Madi starred in silence. There was a strange look on Clarke’s voice. “Than her last friend. Yeah, John is a  _ lot _ better than him. Actually if I remember right, John may or may not have kicked his ass before.” Clarke smiled. “I can not confirm or deny that part. Anyways, god where was I?” Clarke scratched her arm and tilted her head. “Right. Family. Well those are my sisters.” She clasped her hands onto her own desk. “Raven and Emori. And John, sort of. He’s an honorary sister. Mom kind of adopted John when Raven introduced him from her school and he came over every day for like two months. Speaking of my mom.” Clarke sighed heavily. “Abby Griffin. One of, if not the best, pediatric doctors in all of Arkadia. Actually, I think she’s just one of the best doctors and happens to be a pediatric one too.” Madi’s hand moved before she could process. She rewound the last seven seconds twice. She paused it.

_ Arkadia? _

It shouldn’t have been so daunting. She lived in Polis. Arkadia was only a forty minute drive away, if that. It made perfect sense for Clarke to live there. More than enough sense actually. Her parents had lived in Polis their entire lives, as far as she knew. It was possible they had lived in Arkadia at one point too. It occurred to her then, Madi wasn’t sure  _ where _ she had been adopted from. She smacked herself in the face. That was an unbelievably obvious thing to ask her parents at any point. But she hadn’t. Madi wanted to smack herself again; her grandma even lived  _ in _ Arkadia! She had visited the city multiple times a month. Of course it was plausible she was born in Arkadia. She could very well have seen Clarke’s family at some point and never known. Madi wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion hitting her or if she really hadn’t thought of any of this before. Or she was just a little dumb. She would have sided with the latter if asked, honestly. 

She still didn’t press play though.

Shawna had made a point last week. Madi had said she wouldn’t look for Clarke. And said woman was giving her more than enough information on her family. Madi closed her eyes and rubbed at her forehead. She could flip a coin. She could ask her parents if she could look them up. Or she could be an adult and make a decision. Opening her eyes and looking at her browser, Madi decided. She would look up Abby Griffin. After she finished the second video. At the rate she was going, her next birthday would happen before she finished video five. 

Clarke went on to talk about her mother. It was not a good relationship from what she said. Abby Griffin had been a loving mother, to the point of overbearing. Abby had pushed Clarke into the medical field, which Clarke didn’t mind too much. She would’ve been more interested in it if it weren’t for Abby not understanding what Clarke really wanted to do. It was almost a surprise when Clarke talked about being an artist. She had been drawing and painting ever since her dad had gotten her an art kit at three years old. It was the most passionate Madi had seen her talk yet. She even mentioned Arkadia Arts. 

“I could go there,” Clarke said, “but mom wants me to go to the same school she went to over in Azgeda. I don’t know if I could ever go there. It’s too far and god it’s cold there. I finish my two years at the community college this year.” She talked about school a little more. Madi felt a little bad, she was getting bored at this point. She was too anxious from her own school struggle to even consider listening to someone else talk about their own. She considered skipping a few minutes when Clarke abruptly changed the subject.

“I haven’t talked about my dad really. He’s like the most important person to me.” Clarke leaned forward on the desk. “My dad has always been the one I go to for things. School, friend problems, even relationship stuff. Things are always just easier with dad. He’s never once judged me for things even if they are my fault.” Clarke went on to talk about her dad in ways Madi talked about her own. She loved him dearly and thought the world of him. He was an engineer, something Clarke was immensely proud of. She talked about him just as she had her art. It was both entertaining and endearing to watch. Just as the happy moment had began, it ended. A dejected look came over Clarke’s face. “He’s sick. Really, really sick. Mom doesn’t even know what’s wrong with him. I guess that’s why I haven’t said anything else about him. Makes it sound like he’s leaving.” Madi felt her heart ache. Clarke’s dad meant the world to her. And something was wrong that not even her doctor mother could figure out. Madi had a dismal thought,  _ this doesn’t end happy _ . She really didn’t want to continue the video. The itch to know kept her there.

“He’ll be okay. Mom says it’s probably pneumonia if anything. He’ll be fine.” Clarke quickly changed the subject. “I guess that’s it really. My family is big and yet so small compared to others. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything. Even mom.” Clarke looked down and patted her stomach. “Or you. Even if you are pressing against my internal organs without a break.” Madi smiled softly. “I’ll see you in the next video. Hopefully I’ll have more answers then.” Clarke smiled at the camera before it cut out. 

Madi sat back in her chair. The video ended and the disc popped out of her laptop. She wasn’t sure exactly what to think then. She knew who Raven and Emori were and how much they meant to Clarke. She knew Clarke was an artist and a very talented one at that. Her parents were supportive albeit Abby wasn’t as much. But Clarke loved them and wouldn’t trade them for the world. Madi felt the same way about her own parents. 

She sighed and ran a hand over her tired face. She loved her parents more than anything or one else. Thinking of her mother’s face when she asked for the rest of the videos was wrenching. Would she be hurting her parents if she did want to find Clarke? They couldn’t really blame her, right? Her mom could have decided not to show her and Madi would have never known. She was going to look up Abby and Jake, that was decided. She tried to stick with that as she opened up her browser. 

How many Abigail Griffins who were doctors in Arkadia could there really be? 

Just one.

The search came up with one Dr. Abigail Griffin. Madi hovered over the link given for a few minutes. This could change a lot, everything. It could also change nothing. The chances of Abby having any idea about what she was doing now were slim to none. So Madi clicked on the link. It brought up a page for the doctor’s personal practice. Madi was met with a wall of text and a single picture. In it, a woman with greying brown hair smiled back. Madi almost immediately recognized the woman. It was Clarke. But it wasn’t. While she might have gotten her father’s eyes and hair, Clarke definitely had her mother’s face. Her jaw, nose, lips. Every feature was there and Madi had to sit back. Underneath the picture, in tiny font, read:  _ Doctor Abigail Griffin M.D. Mother of three. Wife of Jacob Griffin. _

This was Abigail Griffin. This was her  _ grandmother _ . 

Madi felt herself choke up as she stared at the picture. She didn’t think she would feel like this from just a picture; it was overwhelming. The woman staring back at her looked for familiar just like Clarke had. It tugged on her heart. 

Madi took a deep breath. She read over the photo caption one more time. There was a link attached to  _ Jacob Griffin _ . She scrunched up her brows; was Jake a doctor too? Clarke had said her father was an engineer and a good one at that. Madi clicked the link and leaned forward.

And felt the air being ripped from her chest immediately. The link was for Jake Griffin. Only not for a medical page.

It was a memorial page. 

Madi read the small banner at the top, noticing it was a memorial site loved ones could set up. There was a donation tab, a page for daily updates, even one for looking up people. Jake Griffin’s too smiley and kind face met her once she scrolled down.  _ In Loving Memory of Jacob Griffin _ . Madi swallowed hard. A handsome man with dirty blonde hair and the gentlest eyes Madi had ever seen greeted her. Clarke was there in his eyes and smile. Her chest clenched and her eyes burned with forming tears. Why was she so choked up? She tried to clear her throat as she scrolled further down. There was a short paragraph about Jake.

_ Father of Clarke, Raven, and Emori and husband to Dr. Abby Griffin, Jake was the gentlest of souls. Known for his love for his family and dedication to his job. Jake was the person who would give you the shirt off his back and apologize for it not fitting right. He was taken from this world and his family far too soon. He will be missed by them and by everyone who had the privilege of meeting him. May we meet again, Jake. _

_ -M.K. _

Madi rubbed at her aching eyes. Clarke had said her dad had pneumonia. Her mom had been so sure it would be nothing and he would be okay. Abby had seemed to sure of it. What had happened? The page said nothing of his cause of death. Only showed his birth and death dates. Madi felt a little sick seeing he passed only a month and a half before she was born. He never got to see his granddaughter. She should have waited to look them up, Madi chastised herself. She should have waited and seen if Clarke had said something.  _ Gods, _ Madi leaned her head against her headrest. Clarke had been pregnant when her dad died and was about to give up her child. It felt like a crude ending to a story she had barely begun reading. 

Madi was too consumed in her thoughts to hear the small noises coming from the hallway. If she had been paying attention, she would have noticed her mom coming home. She would have heard her putting her things away and walking down the hall towards her room. Would have noticed Harper opening the door after knocking once. 

“Madi?” Harper tried softly. She opened the door with a worried look. Her daughter sat at her desk with the most dejected look on her face. Harper immediately felt the need to comfort her. Her eyes strayed to the computer screen; her insides twisted. “Madi.” She walked forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. The teen jumped a little and looked at her mom. 

Guilt etched itself into her face. “I said I wouldn’t look up Clarke.” Her voice was tight and small. Harper’s eyes softened. She looked back to the screen then to Madi. “Did you know? About Jake?” Madi looked like a little kid in that moment. Harper swore she looked like she use to when she broke her toys or did something she wasn’t supposed to. The girl had just found out her maternal grandfather was dead; could Harper really be mad at her?

“I did.” Her voice was wobbly. She smoother down Madi’s hair and pursed her lips. “I found out a few days after he passed. The social worker helping us get you let us know. Clarke,” she swallowed hard, “was inconsolable. The social worker wanted us to know there was a chance she would back out of the adoption. She had suffered an emotional trauma and honestly,” Harper shrugged, “I wouldn’t have blamed her.” 

“But she didn’t.”

“No, she didn’t.” Harper wrapped her arm around Madi’s shoulder and rubbed her arm. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I didn’t even think to tell you. If I had known you were going to be looking them up…” Madi didn’t need her to finish that sentence. “Which video are you on?” 

Madi leaned into her mom. “Only the second one. I’ve been busy with the portfolio and now I don’t even want to finish them.” Harper nodded and kissed the top of her head. 

“Well, there is no rush or need to. But if you do continue, ask me anything. I should have realized you would have questions or would find answers on your own.” Madi nodded and let herself be squeezed one more time. “I’ll be in the office if you need me.” She looked back at the computer. “Or I could watch the next one with you? I think the third video is only a couple of minutes long.” 

Madi looked at her mom, confused. “Why is it so short?” Madi didn’t miss the way her mom’s jaw tensed. 

Harper sighed. “It’s around the time when her father was getting worse and when she picked us to be your parents.” No more explanation was needed. 

In the end, Harper stayed to watch the video. She brought a stool in from the kitchen and perched herself next to Madi. The teen had already set up the last video; it still was a surprise when she saw the video was only five minutes long. Five minutes on the dot. Madi braced herself as she pressed play. Harper grabbed her daughter’s hand. 

The video came through before any sound did. Madi sucked in a breath, Harper squeezed her hand. Clarke looked… well, horrible. Her hair had been tied up in a mess of a bun. Her eyes were red ringed and cheeks flushed. The black shirt she wore only made her look even paler and flushed. Her head rested in her hands as she tried to force a smile.

“Hi.” Her voice was raw. Harper leaned away from the screen; Madi supposed this was the first time she had heard the woman’s voice in over a decade. “I hope you’re doing okay, kid. I really, really hope you are.” Clarke rubbed at her eyes. “I met with Becca today. Alone. Dad was admitted to the hospital again. They don’t know what’s wrong, he collapsed at work and stopped breathing.” Clarke sniffled and leaned back in her seat. Madi’s eyes widened when she saw how big Clarke’s stomach was. 

“Seven months.” Harper whispered as if she could read her mind. Madi was stunned. The pregnancy itself seemed to have blown by. She turned back to the screen.

“Dad will be fine. Mom keeps saying it over and over but I just don’t know anymore. Raven is trying to be positive; she hates when we’re all sad. Emori,” she rubbed her face, “Gods, Emori. She’s terrified but won’t say anything. I think she’s thinking of her brother again. He passed when they were kids.”  _ But what about you _ ? Madi wondered over and over. Clarke avoided talking about herself. She went on to talk about how everyone was coping, how her mom was. Jake insisted he was okay and just needed rest. Abby refused to let him be discharged until every test was done. She had a lot of say at the hospital apparently. Clarke even talked about how John was coping. The man had receded into himself but tried to be there for Emori; though the teen pushed him away constantly. She spent three minutes talking about everyone else but herself. When she finished, Clarke looked so sad. Her eyes looked dull and she had barely moved or used her hands. She was exhausted. 

“Like I said before, I met with Becca earlier. Like two hours ago actually.” Clarke wiped at her eyes again. “She found your parents. They’re only a few years older than me, married for four years, have always wanted to adopt. The husband teaches in Polis and the wife is a corrections officer.” Clarke leaned her elbows onto the desk. “And I know them. I’ve known them for just as long as they’ve been married.” 

Madi paused the video. Her eyes darted to Harper, who sat still as a rock. “You  _ knew _ Clarke? Before you adopted me?” 

Harper looked lost for words. “We- we should wait till your dad gets home to talk about this, Madi.” The teen wasn’t about to have it.

“Dad doesn’t get home till ten tonight. You knew Clarke. You were  _ friends _ with her.” No questions. Madi didn’t mean for it to sound like an accusation; the words spilt out before she could stop herself. “You never told me who my birth parents were even when I asked. You were friends with my birth mother before she was even pregnant with me. Do you know my birth father, too?” 

“Madi, enough.” Harper turned fully to her. “Yes, I knew Clarke before. Not as well as your dad by any means. He and your Uncle Jasper met her right before we got married, at some function at Arkadia Hospital. I met her only a handful of times before Becca introduced us. Monty and I had just finished the adoption registry then all of a sudden, there was Clarke Griffin.” Harper was frustrated, clearly. She hadn’t thought this would ever come out. At the very least, she had thought she and Monty would be the ones to tell Madi everything. But, she had never watched the videos before. Well, she had watched the fifth one. But that was it. “I’m not going to apologize for not telling you. You would have kept asking questions that we couldn’t answer yet.” 

Harper was pleading with her. Madi could see it in her eyes. Part of her was angry; this was huge and her parents kept it from her on purpose. “Why? What was so wrong with me asking questions?” Harper deflated in front of her. 

She hung her head. “We really should wait till your father gets here.” Madi shook her head. 

“Please, Mom.” 

Harper sat up and looked at Madi. “She told us not to contact her after you were born. You weren’t allowed to contact her when you got older.” Madi was taken aback. She opened her mouth to speak but Harper held up her hand. “Then why the dvds, right?” Madi could only nod as she tried to process. “Madi you have to understand both sides. Clarke’s father just died and she was about to give birth. She was grieving and refusing to cope with it. She was overworking herself up until the moment she gave birth.” Harper reached for Madi’s hand; she tried not to flinch when she pulled away too quick. “She said your birth father didn’t want anything to do with you and Becca said it all checked out. She told us that you were ours and not to contact her. Becca told us she might change her mind once she went through therapy and grief counseling. That’s why there are two more videos.” 

Madi swallowed. She took in her mom with scrutiny. “Then why didn’t you tell me?” Now Madi was the one pleading. 

Harper grabbed her hand and held it tight. “It took Clarke months to give us the fourth dvd. And she wasn’t even the one to give it to us; her sister did. She emailed us the fifth one. Madi, we haven’t seen or spoken to Clarke face to face in over a decade. Almost two. Why would I trust the woman who told us she didn’t want anything to do with you because she couldn’t deal with her grief? Why would I hurt you like that?” 

Madi felt like she was choking. This was far too overwhelming for one night. She wanted to tell her mom to leave her room and ignore the aching hollow in her chest. She had thought the videos were a good thing. A positive and a way for her to find and connect with her birth mother. Have some form of completion and normalcy. Now, she was being told it all went to hell. Clarke hadn’t wanted her after all. She had been so swallowed in her grief, she didn’t even want to think of or speak to Madi again. She had told her parents to never contact her. Then she changed her mind. It was the worst case of whiplash. What was she to think now?

“I’m sorry you had to find out like this. I-we- your father and I never thought you had to know this much. Not yet.” Harper touched Madi’s cheek and tilted her head up. “I love you. Your father and I love you so much. We didn’t want you to get hurt like this.” 

Madi closed her eyes and turned her head away. When she opened them again, she stared at the frozen image of Clarke on her computer. The anger she had felt to her mom was now directed to Clarke. She could understand grief, she could understand being lost and confused. Doing something so selfish as refusing to speak to the child she had made god damn videos for. That wasn’t so easy to understand. Why bother even giving Harper and Monty the dvds in the first place? Why keep making them if she had begun doubting and changing her mind? 

Madi didn’t move as Harper got up. She didn’t move as she ejected the video from her laptop and returned it to the case. She did move when Harper turned to leave with the case. “I still want it.” Why she did, she couldn’t answer. 

Harper stopped and took a deep breath. “I’m holding onto them until you, me, and your dad can all sit down and talk about this. I should have waited to give them to you.” 

She left, leaving the door wide open. 


	4. April 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to rewrite this chapter after a month of not touching it. Then I realized it was 10 pages and I am was not about to redo all of that. It's rough.

They don’t talk about it until the next day. It’s saturday, everyone was home.

Madi doesn’t leave her room on purpose. She tried to spend all morning locked in her room; it’s a futile effort. Twice already her parents have knocked on her door. Both times she refused to even go near the door. Instead, she sat at her computer. She sat at her computer staring at the memorial page for Jake Griffin. Why she’s doing it is completely lost on her. But Madi is staring at the photo with a deep ache in her chest. 

She wanted to find Clarke. 

She wanted to find them all. Madi knew if she just google searched  _ Clarke Griffin _ she would find something. She could just look for Raven or Emori or even whoever John was. She would find answers. At the very least, she could look Clarke in the eyes and ask why did she make those god damn videos. Madi is barely even half way through them and already she feels like things have changed dramatically. The only other people who know about them are her parents and Shawna. And Shawna had been enveloped in her own chaos. Madi had wanted to badly to call her and just rant. Rant. Talk. Cry. But she wouldn’t drag her into this mess. 

She wanted to tell Shawna her optimism was for nothing and now Madi didn’t even want to finish the stupid videos. She was just  _ angry _ . She hadn’t slept more than four hours; the overwhelming feeling in her chest was just too much. Anger was what she decided she felt. Towards who, was unknown. The whole situation was making her angry. 

She wanted to know why Clarke wasn’t the one to give them the fourth video. Her mom had said Clarke’s sister gave it to them. Somehow. She could only imagine how Raven had tracked them down and gave them the dvd. It didn’t help with the frustration. 

Her mom had said she should have waited to give her the videos.  _ Then why give them to me in the first place _ , Madi had thrown a book onto the floor with the thought. She couldn’t focus on anything else other than what she wanted to avoid. She could hear her parents tinkering around throughout the house. Every once in a while their footsteps would come close to her door before walking away. Once, she was sure it was her dad, the doorknob was jiggled around. He was probably trying to open the lock without breaking the door. Thankfully, there was no key for her room door. Madi had ‘lost’ it conveniently months ago. It sat forgotten on her dresser underneath a book. 

It wasn’t until Madi heard a loud  _ click _ and heard metal dropping did she realize her dad didn’t need a key to get into a room. She had turned from her desk and saw the doorknob rolling on the floor. Through the now hole in her door, she could see a screwdriver and a butter knife. Her head hit the desk in the same second the door opened. Monty stood in the doorway looking more than pleased with himself. She didn’t turn to look at him. Looking at her dad would just crumble the resolve she had to be angry. Her dad hadn’t been home when she and Harper had argued. He wasn’t even there the day she started watching the videos. Part of Madi wondered how much he really knew about what was going on. Did her mom tell him anything?

“Time to leave your little hole, Mads.” She tried not to flinch when she felt his hand on her shoulder. She didn’t move and gripped onto the desk. Monty audibly sighed and tugged on her chair. The wheels creaked in protest. “I know you think you know everything and just want to be mad, but your mom and I really need to explain things to you. She said some stuff you didn’t need to hear.” Again, he gently pulled the chair away from the desk. Madi let herself be dragged and sat up. She couldn’t look at her dad. 

“I didn’t need to hear that my birth mother made five videos so I could know about her and her family only to have her not want me to contact her or know about her?” She could practically hear him trying to figure out how to respond. “Dad, I don’t get why you guys even gave me the videos if Clarke didn’t want me in the end. What was the point? All I know now is she and her family live in Arkadia and I’ve probably seen them at some point. And I have no idea who my biological father is or why Clarke gave you guys the videos.”

“If you would join us in the living room, we could explain some things.” Monty gave her a pointed look. Madi finally looked him in the eye; he wasn’t going to let her out of this. He did after all remove her doorknob. “Your mother and I will be waiting in the living room. You have five minutes to come out or we bring in reinforcements.” He left her with a pat on the shoulder. Madi was near tempted to see what or who the reinforcements were. But her parents were already frustrated enough with her. And she wanted answers. Begrudgingly, Madi got up from her chair and walked to the living room. 

Sure enough, her parents were waiting. Harper looked like she had gotten even less sleep than Madi had. In the end, Madi found herself overwhelmed once again.

“I shouldn’t have said what I did last night.” Harper was quick to make that clear. “You didn’t need me to make things worse by aggravating you or bad mouthing Clarke.” 

Madi crossed her arms as she sat down. “You weren’t expecting her to say what she did. It’s fine.” Harper and Monty shared a look. 

“Mads,” Monty sighed, “it’s not fine. We shouldn’t have kept you so in the dark. It wasn’t fair to you at all and we are being selfish.” So they told her everything. 

Monty had met Clarke during his last year of university. He and other students had been invited to a gala for Arkadia Memorial Hospital. He and his best friend went as favors for their professor who needed to bring two students. Jasper had been the one to convince Monty to go in the first place. There, they met Dr. Abigail Griffin and her assistant Dr. Eric Jackson. Monty had found himself talking with Dr. Jackson about organic solutions for some kind of medicine. They were so into the debate, Monty and Jasper hadn’t noticed the blonde teen and man who had come up behind them. Dr. Griffin had pulled them from the talk and introduced her daughter and husband.

“Clarke didn’t want to be there, at all.” Monty explained to Madi. “Her mother had dragged her there. Clarke only spoke to me when I asked how she was doing in school and offered any help I could give. I’d be getting tutoring credits if I did help.” Clarke had taken him up on the offer. She was barely seventeen and struggling to make it through a few classes. They met twice a week at the community college to go over anything Clarke needed help with. It stayed like that for nearly two years. Then Monty and Harper married; she and Clarke were introduced at the wedding. Monty had been the one to invite her, calling her a close acquaintance. The two got along well. 

Madi felt sick being told this. Not only did her parents know her birth mother, they had been good enough friends for Clarke to go to their  _ wedding _ . 

“We didn’t keep in touch much after that. One day Clarke just stopped coming to the tutoring meetups. I called her to ask about it,” Monty shrugged, “she said she just didn’t want to do them anymore. That I had helped her enough and she could do things on her own.” They had all but lost contact with Clarke for another year. 

“Then, we decided we wanted to have a baby.” Harper chimed in. Her hands her clasped in her hand and her face tight. Madi knew that part of the story. “We decided to adopt. There’s a chance I could pass on the disease grandpa had onto kids and I didn’t want to do that.” Monty had nodded and held onto his wife’s hand. Harper’s job as a corrections officer gave her some connections to finding the best adoption agency. Only now did Madi know which agency her parents had used. Pramheda Adoptions. They met with Becca Pramheda nearly every day for a month going over all paperwork. They didn’t want any loopholes or excuses to get in the way. Becca herself had been the to inspect their home. Twice. They had been given the greenlight to start looking at children.

“Then Clarke showed up.” Harper leaned forward. “She went to the agency only weeks before we had started the process to become parents. Becca never mentioned her, she didn’t know we knew each other.” Madi noticed how tense both her parents were. “She showed Clarke our file before even telling us. The next day, we got a call saying an expecting mother wanted to meet with us. She was just under seven months when we met.”

Madi paused. “So, right after the third video was made?” Harper nodded.

“Neither of us expected to see Clarke.” Monty took over. Madi listened intently as he spoke. Clarke had picked them out of the couples Becca had shown her. She had told them she couldn’t think of more deserving and perfect parents. She had even apologized for disappearing on Monty and never explaining why. “Clarke had been dealing with some things. She never got into detail with us, just teenager things she wished she hadn’t. It was how she met some guy who ended up knocking her up.”

“She didn’t say who?” Madi was beginning to think she would never find out who her biological father was. Why had Clarke kept it such a secret?

Harper answered her. “She said it was a friend of her sister’s. Someone she no longer wanted in her life and didn’t want to be apart of yours. Becca had handled the legal side of that. The boy made it clear he didn’t want to raise a baby. Everything was in the clear for us to adopt you. All Clarke had asked of us,” Harper reached behind her and pulled out the orange and pink dvd cases, “was to give these to you. She had only made three by then. She said she wouldn’t bother us, wouldn’t ask for phone calls or visitations. She just wanted her child to go somewhere good and safe. Somewhere full of love and understanding.” Monty reached for Harper’s hand and squeezed it. “All she asked was to give you these when you turned eighteen. We could watch them if we wanted, make sure nothing was on them that we didn’t think you needed to hear or see. Just make sure you got them.” Madi watched the silent looks between them. Her stomach twisted in a knot. 

“But you didn’t watch them.” 

Clarke’s father dying changed nearly everything. Harper and Monty had tried to reach out to her, comfort her in some way. “I wanted the three of us to be friends,” Monty said, “So she could be part of your life in some way. We didn’t want to keep you from her if she wanted in. Clarke was surprised at first but thanked us. She was glad and agreed to follow rules and guidelines Becca had suggested for us. Since we knew each other already, Clarke could be considered an aunt like Jasper is your uncle.” Madi nodded slowly, trying to process everything. “We would organize days for us all to meet so she could see you. She’d be allowed to be there for holidays and your birthday, if she wanted to be there. She would not have any legal or parental rights though.” Clarke had agreed with it. The three of them had signed the documents needed a week after the initial meeting. Then Jake Griffin died. 

“Clarke had gone to the agency without letting us know. She told Becca to write up new documents and agreements. She told Becca she,” Harper swallowed, “she didn’t want any visitation. She didn’t want to see you or us after the birth. We were your parents and she wanted none of what we had previously agreed. Becca warned us she might change her mind as your birth got closer. But she didn’t.” 

Monty squeezed his wife’s hand again. “We signed the papers the day after you were born. A whole new set and agreement. A completely closed adoption. Clarke wouldn’t be around for birthdays, holidays, anything. We didn’t have to tell you about the adoption or her.” 

Madi nodded in understanding. “You didn’t have to give me the dvds.” 

“That was my decision.” Madi looked at her mom. “After your grandpa died two years ago, I started understanding why Clarke reacted how she did. My dad dying felt like the world ending. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how Clarke felt with everything going on around her. We had saved the email Clarke sent us with the last video. I spent the last two years deciding whether or not to give you these.” She gestured to the dvds. “Your dad didn’t even know I kept them.”

Something dawned on Madi. “Is that why we didn’t talk about it on my birthday? Dad, you didn’t know Mom gave me them did you?” Monty shook his head, mouth tight. “Then why give them to me?” 

Again, exchanged looks Madi couldn’t read. “You deserve to know who Clarke is.” Harper shrugged. “And I knew you would go searching at some point. You’re an adult now and I can’t keep things from you forever. So I put the dvds in the box Clarke gave us and put them in your room before I could change my mind.” 

“She told me when you were asleep. I almost took them back.” Monty admitted. “But your mom’s right, like always. I just wished we had watched them before giving them to you.” 

Madi wished the same. She understood now. Not everything, but most of it. She was still angry, yes, but it had dimmed. She couldn’t be mad at her parents; everything they’d done had been to protect her. Granted, it wasn’t all good ideas. She told them they should have been upfront with her years ago. It would have made everything easier. It would have made finding out her maternal grandfather died and her biological father not wanting anything to do with her easier. It would have made Clarke’s sudden decision easier. Madi could have been prepared for it. 

Monty and Harper apologized for it. They told her how sorry they were and they would have done things very different if they could start over. But it was what it was. Harper had hesitantly pulled out a green case from the dvd’s box. 

“It’s the fourth one. If I’m right, it’s the one she filmed part of. Clarke’s sister gave us this one and told us it’s part Clarke’s video and partly her sister. Emily or Amora, I think is her name.” Madi’s head had jerked up. “Clarke never finished the fourth video. Her sister found it on her computer right before your birth. She finished it. I’m not all sure what’s in this one.” 

Madi shook her head slightly. “Emori gave it to you? Not Raven or even John?” 

Madi’s sudden interest made her mom weary. “No. I’m more than sure it was Amor- Emori. Yeah, her name is Emori. I remember because she was the youngest and had shown up at the university to give it to your dad.” Madi was a little stunned. The last she had heard Clarke talk about Emori, the girl hadn’t been happy about Clarke’s pregnancy. She was so sure it was Raven who had given them the fourth video. The thought of it being Emori hadn’t even crossed her mind. Something else popped up in her head. 

“You said Clarke gave you the red box, the only the videos came in. Right?” Monty nodded for both of them. “The box had my name on it. And not just Madi. It had  _ Madeline _ written on it in neither of your handwriting.” A look came over Harper’s face that made Madi want to press more. She didn’t need to.

“Clarke named you.” Monty let it slip without thinking. Only when Harper gave him a wide eyed look did he realize he shouldn’t have said that. “We might as well tell her since we already said everything else.” Monty leaned forward on his elbows. “Madi, honey. Clarke picked out your name long before she picked us. She didn’t know whether or not she was having a boy or girl but she was adamant at first about naming you. You used to ask us why you had such a weird first and middle name. Before we signed the closed adoption papers, she asked us to keep your name what she had told us she wanted to name you.” 

“Madeline Louwoda.” Both parents nodded. “Why? She didn’t want to be in my life anymore, why do something so big for her?” They didn’t know why they did it. Harper and Monty just did. They had gotten so use to thinking of her as Madeline that by the time she was born, it just seemed to fit. They couldn’t think of any other name for her. Madi wanted to tell them their reasoning was bull. She couldn’t even think of doing what they had for someone undeserving. But a pull in her chest had her wanting to understand. She needed more answers. “Can we watch the fourth video? Together?” 

Monty was the one who hooked up the laptop to their living room tv. He set up the dvd and waited for the other two to settle in before her pressed play. He joined his wife on the couch; Madi sat on the floor by their feet. Her knees were pulled up to her chest, her hands digging into her thighs. The video came into focus almost abruptly. 

“ _ Hey Madeline. _ ” 

It’s a cold shock. Madi digs her nails into her pants. Her name sounded so foreign to her now. A voice she had heard multiple times now saying _her_ _name_. She never thought she would hear the woman say her name. The video came in seconds after the audio. Clarke’s face hits something deep in her chest; the woman looks so… _done_. Her face is pale, lips chapped and gnawed on, and her eyes dull. There seemed to be a permanent red ring around her eyes as she rubbed at them. Her hair had been cut short once more. It was almost like the first video again. 

“I just got back from the adoptions agency. Hopefully for the last time. I know you will have no idea what I’m talking about right now. Maybe you never will. I don’t even know if you’ll even see this video. Or any of them. Maybe I made all four of these no damn reason.” She shrugged. Madi tried to swallow down the choking sound in her throat. She was faintly aware of one of her parents hands on her shoulder. “Dad died last week. Only a day after I found out you were a girl. A little baby girl.  Mom won’t tell us what from, just that one minute he was fine then the next…” Clarke flicked her wrist. “Gone. She still doesn’t know how or what caused it. It’s like the air was just sucked from his lungs. I never got to say goodbye. None of us did.” Clarke hung her head and tugged on the end of her hair. “I haven’t even seen mom yet. Raven and Emori have been staying with me. I guess they can’t even talk to her without getting mad or crying. Funny how that works out, right? She tried to keep how bad he was from us but it’s just making us not want to be around her.” Clarke wiped at her eyes again. “But, what can we do? Dad’s gone and we’re stuck here.” Clarke was quiet for a few seconds. The only thing that could be heard was whatever noise was coming from throughout her apartment. Madi wanted to listen to the sounds over and over. They were too normal for the somber mood and grief Clarke radiated. “Like I said, I went to the agency today. I got back maybe an hour ago. No one knows I went, not yet anyways. I’m sure everyone will find out and try to get me to change my mind just like before. But I won’t. I can’t.” They all knew what she was talking about. “Everything is set now. In less than a month, you’ll be Harper and Monty’s daughter. You’ll be with parents who love and adore you. Can give you everything you could ever want and more. It’ll be completely up to them whether or not you know about me. I won’t make them, especially after what I just did. They could decide to never tell you about me and that would be completely okay. They’re your parents not me. Whatever they decide, I’m sure it’s for the best. The best for you.” Clarke took a trembling breath. Clearly, you could see her holding back her tears and trying to focus on breathing. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I’m doing feels wrong. I can’t even talk to my own sisters about what’s going on. Because I have no idea.” Then the screen goes black.

Just for a second.

The screen comes back into focus but it’s nothing like before. Instead, there’s another girl sitting where Clarke usually would. The girl sits there with her hands on the desk and her hair tucked in her headband. “Hi. My name is Emori.” Madi sits up immediately. The mood shift in the room is too quick. The hands on her shoulder disappear as she leans forward. She is faintly aware of her mom whispering her name. “Clarke introduced me in the second video. I’m her sister, adopted of course.” Emori makes a small face. “And I’m your aunt. One of two. You are probably beyond confused why I am here and not Clarke. Well, to make a very long story short, Clarke never finished the last video. Where I cut the video is where she left it. I don’t know if she shut the camera off or just didn’t want to continue it. I only found it because she gave me the laptop she had been using. She didn’t want it anymore and I need it for school. I was going through old files and deleting random things she had saved or written. Then I found that video.” Emori swallowed. “I had to watch it. I watched all of them. And I need to explain some things to you. To you, Madeline.” 

Madi sat there holding her breath. Emori told her almost everything she could have asked about. She was filming this three months after Madi had been born. About a week since the last time since she had seen Clarke. “She left for a clinic in Trigeda. It’s one that specializes in postpartum depression and for mothers who put their children up for adoption.” Raven had been the one to find it for her. Raven and Emori had spent a month trying to convince Clarke to at least seek out-patient treatment. Their sister wasn’t even a shell of herself. More like a grain of sand. “I have never seen Clarke like that before. She was like a ghost that didn’t know they were dead. Abby wasn’t helping at all. Raven was tip-toeing around her. I couldn’t even talk to her without worrying she would break down. The clinic is run by a man named Nyko, which is funny to me. He has such a good staff there and it’s more like a retreat than clinic. A girl named Maia works there; she was so nice. Clarke started crying almost immediately and Maia was so helpful with her. I think Clarke will be okay there. I really, really fucking hope so.” Emori sighed and tucked her hands into her lap. 

“You’re probably wondering why I’m talking to you still. Clarke was right before, I wasn’t happy when she told me about being pregnant. I wasn’t mad at her like she thought. It was just…” Emori motioned with her hands like she was searching for the word. Madi was able to glimpse the glove on her left hand. “My mother, birth mother, whatever was a teen mom. My brother and I went through some hell because of her before we went to foster care. I know Clarke wouldn’t be like that but I was just worried. So damn worried. And I refused to talk to her about it.”

Emori went on to explain how she wished she could have been there more for Clarke. How Raven was as understanding as anyone could be. Especially given the situation they were in. “Clarke never mentioned who your father was. And I’m not going to either. If anyone should explain it, Raven is probably the best person.” Emori shrugged. “But she doesn’t know I’m doing this or that I’m giving this to your dad. Once I figure out where he teaches.” There was a slight pause. “I think you should find Clarke, Madeline. I really do. Right now she’s a mess. But I know once you’ve seen the videos you’ll want to meet her. And I hope you do because I can almost guarantee we all want to meet you.”

The video ended. 

Madi sat back against her parents’ legs. “Why do I feel like I’m still missing so much?” She closed her eyes as Harper ran her fingers through her daughter’s hair. “That’s video four and I still have the same questions as before. Nothing makes sense and I feel like I just watched the bad ending for a choose your own adventure movie.” She sighed heavily. 

Harped leaned forward and kissed the crown of her head. “I really wish I had answers for you.” 

They all went to bed that night with a heaviness in their chests. 

Harper couldn’t fall asleep as she worried about her daughter. Eighteen years had flown by and now they faced something life changing. Madi was already going to be leaving for school during the fall if she was accepted to Arkadia Arts. That was one loss they had all come to terms with and were okay with. But this felt like losing their daughter slowly. Harper felt unnerved as she tried to figure out a way to make all of this right.

“I think we should contact Clarke.” She said. She and Monty were laying in bed waiting for a sleepless night to end. Monty had turned to look at her. The expression on his face made her think he might have been thinking the same. “We still have her email. Even if she doesn’t use it anymore, it’s better than nothing. We can even ask Kane.” 

Monty contemplated. “How mad do you think Madi will be when she finds out her school counselor who knows all about her, has helped her get into AA, is her birth mother’s step dad?” 

“She’s going to hate us.” 


	5. ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no explanation for myself. This is the result of at least four or five months of not knowing what I was doing. Enjoy.

Things were tense the next few days. 

Every day felt like they were all waiting for  _ something _ to happen. What that something is was left to be said. The topic of the last video seemed to be the one everyone avoided. Madi still wasn’t even sure she wanted to see it. 

Harper had said she watched it when Clarke first emailed it. Monty had too. They had to be sure it was actually from Clarke and not some sick joke. They were willing to watch it with her when she was ready. Was she though? Would she ever be? The finality of the last video was like a dead weight on her. Would she get the answers she wanted? She  _ needed _ them. The last video was from when she was five years old. What could have changed for Clarke in that time? What made her suddenly decide to film yet another video and send it to them? She hadn’t wanted contact after Madi’s birth. Even with Emori’s encouraging words, Madi didn’t know what to do. 

During the week, Madi looked up Clarke’s sisters. Finding Emori had been easy.With an uncommon name like hers, she was the first suggestion on nearly all social media. Emori was a traveler; her job, it seemed, was to go and record different places for travel agencies. Her photography was amazing.  Madi spent more time than she’d like to admit going through photos and posts she had made. Most of the photos were of the woman alone or with a man if not for her job. Thankfully, she had tagged him in the photos. Madi found out he was the ‘John’ Clarke had talked about. He and Emori had been together for years it seemed. Through his page, she found Raven. 

The woman didn’t have the same last name as Clarke and Emori.  _ Raven Reyes _ ; the name popped up in a suggested friends list. Madi clicked on the profile and was met with the brightest smile she had ever seen. The woman in the photos looked like the sun, if Madi had to choose a description. Her brown eyes were bright and cheerful. Her smile was infectious. She was a mechanic of all things. Many of her likes and interests were full of cars and different ones Madi couldn’t even recognize. Her photos were mainly of herself and friends. One or two had Abby in them. More had Emori. Madi could see a few even had Clarke; she couldn’t bring herself to look at them. 

More than those, a woman with curly red hair was spotted. Madi only wondered briefly who she was. 

In both women's profiles, they seemed happy. Content. It left a hollow feeling in Madi; she didn’t need to complicate their lives. They all had lives of their own with their own worries and wants. Why should she intrude on that? Madi had closed out her computer browser with a saddened heart. 

A few days had gone by before she bothered bringing either up. Her parents were more than aware of her searching. When asked about it, Madi just shrugged and hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Harper had done her own searching and reaching out. Her daughter was confused and hurting; she had to do  _ something _ . She brought it up to Monty while Madi had been staying late after school. 

“She’s just going to be more upset if we don’t do anything.” Harper leaned against their kitchen counter and crossed her arms. “We have the resources to reach out and talk to them. Hell, we could probably go to her school right now and convince Kane to help us. He’s known about her since he first met Clarke.” 

Monty listened as she went on and on. “Do we really think Madi would be okay with that? She hasn’t said anything about actually meeting with Clarke or her sisters. She doesn’t even know that Kane knows.” 

“If we do nothing it’ll only be worse. We can at least give her the choice.” Harper said. Her mind was made up, whether or not Monty was on board. He could see that with a determined look in her eyes. 

“Alright,” he relented, “but we give her the choice  _ before _ we do anything.” Harper agreed. All they had to do was wait for Madi to get home. They didn’t need to wait long. Madi walked in the front door only ten minutes later. She came bustling into the door, not even acknowledging her parents being home so early. Early for them anyways. She came through the house like something was chasing her and went directly to her room. At the very least she didn’t slam her door. 

Harper hesitated and looked at her husband before following. “Madi?” She followed the sound of her daughter’s hurried feet and to her room. “Madi, what’s wrong?” She could hear Monty come up behind her and gave him a worried look. Through her closed door, Madi could be heard furiously typing something and her breathing was shaky. Harper knocked on the door. “Madi did something happen at school?” Her only response was more typing and ignoring. 

Monty tried the door knob and was met with no resistance. At least she had learned not to lock the door. “Mads we’re coming in.” He pushed the door open. They were met with Madi facing away from them and being focused on whatever was on her computer screen. Her fingers stopped and they could visibly see her tense. “Madi, what’s wrong?” Monty stopped just short of her as he saw what she was looking at. He had to re-read the text of the website twice before he realized what he was looking at.

“Today I met with Mr. Kane again.” Madi’s voice was strained. She kept her back to her parents.

“Did something happen with your applications?” Harper couldn’t see the screen and tried to think of anything that would make Madi so upset. 

The girl turned and looked at her mom. “No. I’m still waiting to hear back.” Harper was about to say something but was cut off. “I went to see Mr. Kane during lunch to ask about my application to Polis Art and if he had heard anything. When I got to the counseling center, he was already in his office with a woman.” Harper looked at Monty; his eyes were still looking at the computer. “I thought I recognized her, maybe from the store or just around the school. But then she kissed his cheek when she left his office and walked right past me without even looking at me. I didn’t even know Mr. Kane had a wife or girlfriend or whatever.” 

Harper immediately knew what was coming. 

“So imagine how surprised I am when I remember where I know her from.” Madi moved aside and let Harper see the computer screen. “She and Clarke look more alike in person than in photos.” Harper physically deflated as she was met with the familiar face of Abby Griffin. Madi had pulled up a photo of her from Emori’s photo gallery. 

“Madi we were going to tell you today.” Harper sighed as she put her hand on Madi’s shoulder. “We decided last week you deserved to know about Marcus Kane and how he knows Clarke.”

Madi shrugged off her hand. “Does he know I’m adopted? Does he know Clarke is my birth mother?” 

“Yes he does.” Monty finally spoke up. “He knows and he knows he is not allowed to speak to you or any of Clarke’s family about it or he would lose his job.” 

Madi made a face. “What, did you guys threaten him?” Harper couldn’t suppress her eyeroll and Monty let out a sigh.

“No,” he said, “we didn’t threaten him. We didn’t even know he and Abby were together until you were in high school.” 

“We only found out because of parent’s night at your school your first year.” Harper bent down and tried to look Madi in the eye. The teen stubbornly kept her eyes anywhere else. “Abby was there with Kane. We didn’t know they were together or even how long; we saw her and I almost made us leave immediately.” Madi could vaguely remember that night. More than anything she remembered not wanting to be there and being embarrassed her parents were meeting her teachers. “You went off with Shawna to look at something in another classroom, remember? When you left we went up to them.” 

Madi then met her eyes. “What did they say?” 

Monty took over then. “It was fourteen years after we adopted you. Abby hardly recognized us until we introduced ourselves. She was defensive, maybe a little abrupt.”

“She was a bitch.” Harper scoffed as she looked at her husband. “Don’t give me that look, we both know she was being rude for no reason.” Madi sat there completely lost. “She told us we needed to leave and had no right to come up to her. Not like we had a child who was going to the high school or anything. We told her why we were there. It was like she had forgotten children age.” 

“Why was she being a bitch about it?”

Harper gave her a stern look. “Language.” 

“You called her it first!” Madi slumped in her chair. 

Monty interjected, “Back to the point.” He looked between his wife and daughter. “Abby was being  _ rude _ because well…” He sighed. “Abby was under the impression that we were the ones who changed the adoption agreement.” 

“What?” Madi all but jumped out of her seat. “But you didn’t. Clarke did. She even said so in the video. Why would Abby think you guys changed it?” 

Harper placed a hand on her shoulder and eased her back into her chair. “Apparently, right after Clarke went to the treatment center for help, she and Abby had a huge falling out. Clarke didn’t explain to her about the change and that it was her choice not ours. So, Abby was under the impression we basically took you and refused to give Clarke any sort of part in your life. For fourteen years at least.” 

“But you explained it to her, right? She knows it wasn’t your guys’ idea,” Madi said. 

The look her parents shared didn’t go unnoticed. “We tried. We really tried to explain it was Clarke’s doing after her dad’s death. We told her what little Clarke had told us, which is basically what was said in the video. Abby basically refused to listen and said Clarke wouldn’t do that. That her daughter would never do something so drastic without thinking first.” 

Madi shook her head. “But she did.”

Harper nodded. “But she did. I guess she and Abby never really made up if Abby was never told. But yes, Kane knows about you and so does Abby. Though she didn’t see you that night and I’m glad she didn’t.” Harper went on to explain how Abby almost caused a scene. “She wanted to see you. We told her no immediately. We didn’t know what that would do to you and it was Clarke’s request we cut ties with her family. If she wanted to see you, she would have to tell Clarke and Clarke would have to get in touch with us. You were only fourteen and legally they had no right to see you.”  

Madi sat there stunned. Abby had wanted to meet her four years ago. And her parents hadn’t said anything about it. More importantly, Abby thought they were the reason Clarke wasn’t in her life. Madi couldn’t help the laugh that came out. Her parents looked concerned as she laughed for a solid minute. “So you’re telling me, the person I was weariest about meeting, wanted to meet me. Four years ago. And neither of you said anything because my birth mother just didn’t say anything for fourteen years about what she did?” She watched their confused nods. “And I’m guessing Clarke never got into contact after that, which is also why you never said anything.” Again, confused nods. Madi sat back in her chair and leaned her head back. “This is hilarious.” 

Harper was suddenly very concerned as she watched her daughter laugh at a not so funny situation. “Do you want to tell us what is so hilarious?” She asked. 

Madi tipped her head forward. “If Abby had wanted to meet me and she had talked to Clarke, and neither of them had ever gotten into contact with you, then as recent as four years ago Clarke didn’t want to see me.” She waited for the realization to hit both of her parents. She shook her head. “So everything was for nothing. Watching the videos, looking up Raven and Emori, and finding out about Jake’s death was for nothing. Because even after all this time, Clarke still didn’t want me or anything to do with me. And you guys just let me find this out on my own instead of telling me.” Hot tears gathered in her eyes. She wiped them away but it did no good. 

“Oh honey.” Harper wrapped her arms around Madi. She could feel her tears as Madi laid her head on her shoulder. “We want you. We want and love you so so much. I am so sorry we didn’t think this through.” Harper looked to Monty, who looked as heartbroken as she felt. They had messed up completely. Madi was absolutely right; they should have told her. They should have told her everything instead of thinking they were protecting her. Their daughter was hurting now because of them. 

Madi spent the rest of the day with her parents. Monty decided ordering something for dinner was probably the best option at some point. He told both Harper and Monty when the pizza arrived. Neither looked ready to eat as Madi only continued to cry throughout the evening. Harper held onto her. 

Monty felt helpless as he wanted to comfort his daughter but she seemed to only want her mom. He could understand why. Gods, how did they let this happen? For the briefest moment, he wanted to blame Harper for giving Madi the first dvd without talking to him. The moment was gone when he realized the blame was on both of them. They had treated Madi’s adoption like an unspoken thing. They never kept it from her but any questions she had, they dismissed it. It had been difficult for them to tell her anything without all of this coming out too. So they chose to say nothing. 

And look at the mess it created. 

“Madi?” He asked a few hours later. He decided there was no point dragging this on. Madi didn’t need the last video. She needed answers from the source. 

Madi was lying in her bed with her mom rubbing her back. “What?” Her voice was strained. Monty leaned against the door frame. “Do you want to talk to Clarke?” Her head lifted. “We have her email still and I’m sure Kane could even pass on a message for us if needed. You’re already hurting and needing answers we don’t have. I’ll send her an email tonight. The ball will be in her court and we at least tried.” 

Madi kept her eyes down as she spoke. “I don’t know if I want to meet her anymore.” Monty expected as much. “But you can email her.” She laid her head back down and closed her eyes. Monty nodded and looked at Harper. She had to same worried look he did. 

Monty found himself sitting in front of the computer in his and Harper’s office. He’d gotten as far as pulling up the email browser and finding Clarke’s email address. Well the one she had used thirteen years ago at least. He stared at the screen and sighed. He was feeling so much at once. Anger, shame, annoyance. Love for his daughter and wanting to fix her pain. But what could he actually  _ say _ ? He couldn’t even figure out what to put into the subject line. He decided to say everything. 

_ Hi Clarke, _

_ It’s been thirteen years and one month since you sent the last video for Madi- _ He backspaced. She didn’t get to know her nickname for now. -  _ for Madeline. She’s finally eighteen and has watched all but one video of yours. A lot has happened since her birthday and it’s why I’m sending this to you. Tonight I had to see my daughter cry because she thinks you didn’t and still don’t want to meet or know her. I don’t know if you do either. But what I saw made me feel like I had to do something. Madeline unexpectedly met your mother today. She now knows that Marcus Kane and your mother are together. He’s her guidance counselor after all. I don’t even know if you know that. I also don’t know if Abby told you about seeing us at the high school Madeline goes to during an open house event four years ago. I’m hoping she didn’t for the sake of my daughter thinking you chose to not have a chance to meet her.  _

_ Madeline knows I’m writing you and so does Harper. They don’t know what I’m writing and honestly neither do I. But I’m hoping this will at least get to you and you understand that there is a girl here who just turned eighteen and would like some answers from the woman who gave birth to her. Whether it be one the phone, video call, or in person is up to her and you. _

_ You don’t have to respond, that’s your choice. But I thought it was worth a shot. If you do respond, I’d like to talk to you about seeing Madeline. Right now she isn’t sure she wants to meet you but I think she’d like to make that decision herself.  _

_ I’ll be waiting for an answer for the next week. If you don’t respond then I will take that as your definite no for wanting to be in Madeline’s life.  _

_ I really wish things had gone differently. _

_ -Monty Green.  _

He filled in the subject line with ‘ _ Please Read- Monty’ _ before pressing send. He had to do so on auto pilot before he could second guess himself. He watched the loading symbol for a few seconds before it confirmed it had sent. Now, they just had to wait. Monty sat back in his chair and rubbed at his eyes. He had meant the last thing he had said. He really did wish things had gone differently. Maybe in another universe things had gone far better; Clarke had decided not to change the adoption agreement and Madi had known her as Aunt Clarke. And maybe in another universe Clarke had kept Madi. There were unknown possibilities he tried not to think about. He couldn’t imagine his life without Madi in it. She was their daughter in every way that mattered. 

He spent too much time pondering the what ifs while he sat in the office chair. His eyes were closed and his head in his hands. He was so lost in thought, he didn’t hear the tiny  _ ‘ding!’ _ of the computer notification. He only noticed it when he looked up to see Harper had come into the office. He saw the flashing notification of a new email. From Clarke Griffin. 

His eyes went wide.

“What is it?” Harper entered the office and stood behind him. “Oh my god.” There was the answer they wanted. The very first email in Monty’s inbox flashed before them. He clocked on it and seven simple words were the response.

_ Please call me when you get this. _

Below it was a phone number. Monty looked up at Harper but her eyes were glued to the screen. “Should we-,” But he never got to finish. Harper pulled her phone from her pocket and was dialing in seconds. Monty couldn’t help but watch wide wide eyes. Harper looked like she was on a mission. 

“I just spent the evening reassuring Madi that she was wanted and loved and we will always be there for her. I had to watch her cry herself to sleep. I’m not wasting anymore time.” She pressed the phone to her ear as she spoke. They only waited seconds before the line picked up. 

“ _ Hello _ ?” 

Harper had to take a breath. Yes, she had heard Clarke’s voice through the videos for the past month. But it was so different when it was real and not a recording. “Clarke Griffin? This is Harper Green.” She pulled the phone from her ear and pressed the speakerphone tab. 

“Harper?” Clarke’s voice came so clear. Monty rushed to stand and shut the office door. They would tell Madi about the phone call in the morning but for now, she needed rest. “I didn’t think you guys would call tonight.” 

“We didn’t think you’d answer so soon.” Monty said. 

Clarke took a sharp breath. “Oh, hi Monty.” 

“Hello Clarke. It’s weird hearing your voice after eighteen years even.” He tried to keep the mood light. “I’m sure you read in the email why we wanted to talk to you.” 

There was a pause. “Yes. I have a lot of explaining to do and I should have done it years ago.” Harper couldn’t have agreed more. “Look, I do want to meet Madeline. A lot has changed since she was born and since I sent the last video. I’d like to explain in person and answer any questions Madeline has. But I know she’s upset and probably hates me right now. I know I’d be angry.”

“Before you even think you can see her,” Harper started, “you need to explain some things to us. My daughter,” She choked up a little, “cried herself to sleep because of a misunderstanding and I am not putting her through that again.”

Another pause. Monty and Harper exchanged looks. “What do you want to know?” 


End file.
